This Sucks So Far

Pause, Rewish, Repeat?

2009-07-07T05:04:18Z

It seems kind of strange, but things feel like they are changing...just a little? Is anyone with me here? I'm so confused all the time...

It's getting more serious, but I still want to be little.

It gets bigger, but I pound in another direction.

It lines up better, but I still think it should nudge a bit over.

It should be perfection, but I want it to fuck up.

It's worn off, but I'm still sitting still.

It's the same.

There's no change?

Can things be too good to be true, or am I just full of shit?

Probably.

I want so much to believe.

Less Is More in Cosmic Explosions

2009-05-20T02:16:03Z

I should write more so there is less left for my imagi-brain.

However, I don't really know what to say. So I wrote a stupid-ass cryptic puzzle poem that says everything I could ever possibly want to say in the best worst way possible. I just finished my Modern Poetry class this evening and I didn't even like the stupid poems that were kind of like this from class. I guess not everybody can be a Yeats. This is for nobody.

in, end, beg

found
box of condoms
used / haystack
of finer things
with the hub
caps still
fastening
that old Buick
skylark silvery shimmer
my dreams
fixed lamp
posts of greater
days hoping
PaPa can still tickle
my feet grow
varicose veins in
the sand / my home
lost too
my imagi—
nation please break o—
ff my fingers so I
can never create
dying
the beautiful green
is people
evil spank—me

i am no sen—
se

magic
is what we have
me you i love
Scotland in yards
Tabachoy my Pin—
oy FUCK
write themselves
organic aspir—
ation's little beans
you are my jar
red wagon wishes
Praha ghost vulva
wounded in
Battle of the
“don’t say nigger”
puking in—
competence is—
what i say when i really mean like as if un—
intelligent in—
coherent
my future
gypsy hourglass prick—
ed finger needle
midgets on the open
sea

give me strength
tiny egg timer

give me strength
God
less less less
less less less
less less
less

I know, right? FYI, Tabachoy is Filipino slang for "THAT IS ONE FUCKING CHUBBY KID." Lols. Maybe more if I live.

Pull down thy vanity.

What Gives You Peace

2009-01-20T10:05:18Z

Hello.

I think one day I might become crazy. Like mental institution crazy. Like put me in a straight jacket because I'm frothing at the mouth from being so messed up crazy. It won't happen yet. But one day...one day.

Lately I've been dreaming about Prague. I don't know why. I keep dreaming about walking the streets at night alone on a full moon. Prague was the most beautiful and mysterious at night.

I don't know what else to say. Everyday I live in fear of the person I think I may have become. But I just forget about it. Just like that.

Currently, I listen to ungodly amounts of jrock. I just can't seem to find something new and perfect sounding with lyrics in English, lol. So unfortunate. I finished watching Code Geass over break. It was amazing. I want to have Lelouch babies. I also played a lot of WoW, heh. Hard to quit old habits. This past weekend I finished Persona 3. That was an accomplishment and a half. It says I put like 180 hours into that fucking game. 180 hours of awesome. Now I can play Persona 4 which has been calling my name out ever since I bought it when it came out. Yeah...my life is so interesting. Sooo interesting. At least I'm still keeping the love alive.

Well, it's a new year, praise jah. Who knows what will happen when the snow melts and life pulls out its huge cock and smacks us all in the face. That was the most brilliant analogy I have had in a while. Gratz to me. Who fucking knows. Happy new year, then. Excuse me while I go dab off the grease on my face.

I miss feeling like I could change the world. Does that sound retarded?

Give me more time to tread without progress...forever.

Design Your Suicide: Week 11 Woes

2008-11-10T05:09:50Z

HAI HAI HAI!!!

OMGZ.

Hi guys.

Lolz.

Anyway.

Fuck.

It's week 11. Finals week.

I.
Am.
Going.
To.
Die.

So like, pray to Allah for me. Praise Jah. Mos' high. I hope I get straight C's. PLEASE. PLEAAAAASE. I don't want to fail. >_<

Yeh, I think I was way too casual this quarter. I've sunk into a hole of procrastination and STRUGGLE! Life sucks. Design is a magic gift. All I want for Christmas is to be a good designer. *cries* *weeps* *sobs*

Well. I have crazy projects to finish, and I guarantee they won't be finished. But I did do these killer illustrations for one of my projects, so hopefully that one doesn't suck as much as the others. I can't seem to get away with the "It looks pretty, but doesn't effing function" plea anymore. Goddamnit.

Gawd, my brain is all over the place. Sorry for whining. Please poke me on Friday to make sure I survived. Hope everyone is doing well. I miss you all. I will be staying in Rochester for Thanksgiving. I'm cooking Filipino food that day, so far I'm scheming to make pancit canton and lumpia. Let me know if you want some turkey free Filipino goodness. Ooooh...it's so the light at the end of the tunnel for me. *stares off into dark distance*

"GET THE FUCK BACK TO WORK!" SAYS MY INNER DEMON SLAVE DRIVER. *CRACK WHIP BABY FUCK*

Procrastinating At The Crash

2008-10-14T06:43:11Z

This is a new low for me. Using a car accident to procrastinate.

Actually I don' t know what the hell is going on but outside the window of my apartment I can see Park Point, but tonight while I was fangirling like a little freak, I heard a car crash noise. I look outside across the street and there's like a bunch of people walking around a car. I'm used to hearing people scratch the bottom of their car like every fucking 5 minutes because of the stupid speed bump thing they put on the road that has no warning sign. But this had screeches. I wonder what happened.

Anyway, I called public safety and they were like all over that shit. I'm just a good person! I wasn't really trying to procrastinate, I was actually just worried someone got hurt or people were going to get in a fight. It feels good to remember that I am a good and caring person. I sometimes forget this. It sounds silly, but it's important, right?

I think I've been watching too many TV shows, lol. I just started Prison Break marathoning, that show is actually good. But there are so many douche bag characters in that show, that lately I've been beginning to think the whole world is evil. I KNOW, it's just a TV show, but I mean, douche bag evil people just suck.

I have faith in humanity, damn it!

So yeah, I don't have much to say, other than my life sucks, I'm a big fail, I have no friends, I miss Germany, I don't get enough school work done, I think about scratching the skin off my arms, I'm so stressed out my grey hairs are getting greyer, I don't know why I suck so bad, I don't know how to fix it, KILL ME, DAMN IT. I'm going to start talking to a tennis ball that I magic marker a smiley face on. I'm writing a memoir about how my parents are racists and it makes me fucking cry. I cried for like two hours last week because I realized I suck at design, WTF. I hate being full of self-pity and emo-ness, but goddamnit, this year SUCKS. The only thing keeping me going is my boyfriend who is kind enough to spend his time with me. I don't care if he doesn't want to get married til I'm 30 and fatter and uglier, I will fucking wait. He is the one, damnit. All I got to look forward to is the end of week 11. Thanksgiving break is going to be the sweetest deal if I make it out alive. All I know is Nolan's fucking family better have the most amazing food for Thanksgiving dinner. I just gotta close my eyes and taste it.

Yeh. Well, at least I'm still a good person! LOL.

She puts the weights into my little heart.

Ups & Downs, Baby, Ups & Downs

2008-09-30T06:00:47Z

It's days like these that I have faith in the little sexy Buddha god up in heaven, who's knocking back a few beers with Jesus and Mohammed while watching me do the squirm dance here on planet fucking Earth.

My Monday was typical shitty, 8 AM class with the great Golphin, coffee, lunching at the SAU, scouring the library for inspiration for my QTVR project (w00t). I worked, wrote an e-mail to my Grandma, and worked a little more. Had class, this quarter I have two Adam classes, back to fucking back, it's like whoa. But it's okay, I like him, he keeps it real. I spoke with him after class, he ripped my design to gangly little shreds (righfully so), down, but came back around and made me positive about my project idea, up.

So, with mixed feelings I paraded down the quarter mile to the post office to pick up the monies my mom sent me, YAY. I have been living off nearly 0 dollars for the past week, partially because I dropped a 50 on WARHAMMER FUCKING ONLINE (YAH BABY YAH, that game r0x!). So my monthly allowance was much needed.

Now, all I gotta say is, why the hell do people have to be rude? Fuck that mega bitch at the post office. I didn't have my stupid info written down, I didn't think it would be such a big deal, so she was super mean and super bitchy to me. What the fuck. Bitch, you are getting paid to sit around all day and not do shit, just waiting for someone to drop by. You should be goddamn fucking happy you have to look for my package, asshole. Now, I like to think of myself as a really nice person, so it catches me off guard when people are rude to me when I am so patient and so awesome to everyone ALL THE TIME. I don't deserve it.

THANKS FOR RUINING MY DAY YOU STUPID FUCKING WHORE.

I teared up a little bit on the way out. How can people be so inconsiderate, you never know how you are going to affect someone. Smiles go a long way, and so does decency. SO, I get a call from my brother, we were chatting on the phone before I went to the post office.

I ranted to Scottie, my twelve year old brother, about how he shouldn't be rude to people. I told him the girl at the post office was a bitch, not a B-word, a bitch. He continued to tell me a story. By the gods, Scottie is seriously like one of my absolute favorite people on this entire earth. There is probably no one I love more than my little brother.

Scottie, was at a birthday party this weekend for his friend and they went to the movies. The kids were watching The House Bunny. I didn't know what the hell movie that was, so he explained it to me, and I was like WHAT? A movie about a Playboy bunny? Then I realized it was that comedy with Anna Faris. So...

Apparently there was joke so funny in this movie, that my brother laughed so hard, HE PUKED IN THE MOVIE THEATRE.

OMG, so fucking priceless. I was laughing my ass off quite literally outside, for all the world to hear my cackling. OH MY GOD. Another amazing Scottie story. I only wish I were there to witness it. What an up.

If you know me, I like to talk to people about my brother, because he is so dear and annoying to me. He has a slew of amazingly fucked up stories that I just love telling. This one is another one going onto the collection, joining the time he literally shit his pants in Las Vegas, Nevada, the time he puked up pinapple chunks because he was so angry at me, the time he nearly set the house in flames heating up Chinese food, the time he raised his ass to my mother's face and ripped out a fresh fart and she nearly beat him. I swear I am going to write a book about him.

So I come home, and Nolan comes home, and all is happy and we laugh about Scottie. Moments later, by freak accident I spill Coke Zero on a very nice copy of Slyvia Plath's The Bell Jar, and all into Nolan's router. Downer. Internet flipped out a bit, but it came back around. I was so pissed I flailed around angrily throwing shit around and kicking the wall. But I calmed down eventually.

Then I went outside, took photos for class. Then Nolan and I went to Carrabba's for dinner. Awesome. They had the greatest tomato soup ever. I fucking love tomato soup.

And I came back, and took a nap.

People, life has its ups and downs. Yes, that was the moral of my long ass pointless journal entry today. You can't let yourself get down, because, honestly, you won't be down for that long. And if you are, that sucks, ask me to give you my brother's phone number.

Peace! Is anyone as scared of growing up as much as I am? Holy shit. Until the next update. I will be chained to my PC until then. See you, motherfuckers!

Well, I made you and now I take you back.

Memoirs of a Gay Cyndy Hopping Across Europe

2008-07-14T23:48:12Z

I think it's time I commented on life.

//no commenting out. all commenting on, in, around, directly put.

I've been having a splendid time in the land of good beer, good laughs, little work, and plentiful peace. I've traveled around a bit, which I've determined, is good for the soul. Very good for the soul.

I'm still in Deutschland, yes, land of great mystery and intrigue. Yes, always a good time. My time here is winding down to a close, I have less than a month left to soak up the remaining tidbits of culture that aren't yet saturated in my weathered epidermis. And I think it's perfect.

Perfect, perfect.

So, I've been wandering around, a bit, hopping around the continent for the past month or so. Would you care to know? I can tell you briefly, but we all know what brief means to me. Long, vague, and never to the point. Ah, what a curse it is to have words constantly swimming in the fictional ether of your brain!

To begin. Since I last entried, I've visited Dresden, Munich, Ireland, London, and Prague. Shall we?

Dresden

It started with Dresden at the end of May, a little weekend away from quiet Dessau. We went for the weekend, it is quite close to where we are, maybe 3 or so hours by the train. I found Dresden quite alluring, nearly haunting. It's hard to say where my favorite place I've been to is, but it's very possible that Dresden is it. It's not a huge city, but it has this quiet something that just haunts you as you pass in, around, and underneath its architectural faces. There's so much old, so much black, so much renewed. Despite the air raids during World War II, today Dresden stands as quite the beautiful city. But I think, what makes it so interesting, is all these buildings that used to be depressing piles of rubble, now stand proudly restored next to the Elbe. What a wonder. I was in love.

Munich

And so, two weekends after, my lovely roommate and I had the brilliant idea of going to München, or Munich. It was about a 7 hour train ride away, down south in Bavaria, but we were determined, and managed to pull off the journey in 35 Euro round trip. Hurray to Deutsche Bahn's Happy Weekend ticket, that allows up to 5 people to go anywhere in Germany over the weekend for that price. We will be taking advantage of this again.

So what can I say about Munich? It was a great trip, we were there for maybe just over 24 hours, but it was very worth it. The city has such a different charm from all I've seen in East Germany. We met up with Steve, a good friend from RIT, for quite the excellent extravaganza of awesome. Munich really has exceptional beer, and it can come to you in large, intimidating pitchers. But that's okay, you can down it all the same. From exploring BMW World by day, meeting Pierce Brosnan at large scale, then hitting up the famous Hofbräuhaus for beer, food, and Portuguese victory, we rounded off the night with a clubbing experience that will be hard to forget. Titty Twisters was epic, the stripper was on top of her game, and the guy who breathed fire wasn't too shabby either. Joyous times. After little sleep, we ventured into cheap museums, to see ourselves off with a bit of an intelligent air. I'm such a dork when it comes to museums, that's all I ever want to do, am I lame? I just love pressing my nose against glass cases that house ancient relics, as well as pressing my nose all up into a Kirschner, or a Rubens. Never a Picasso, too many noses. All in all, the train ride back had us clinging to sleep with smiles.

Ireland

Then, with little time to re-coop from München, there was an epic adventure to be had in Ireland. Now, this was a real experience. I knew that I had to go visit while I was over here, and I think it worked out wonderfully. We actually found a flight there for 22 Euros round trip. Fucking amazing, right? There was no turning back from there. We were in Ireland for a whopping 5 days, mooching off the hospitality of the amazing mother of a boy named Su. Haha.

We arrived in Dublin, and took a 4 hour bus to get to Cork. Long bus ride. But the country side was as to be expected, beautiful and green. Very green. Go figure. Now, to prepare you for this awkward party, you may know already that I have a dear friend from childhood (lol) who moved away from St. Croix to Ireland when we were 13. Tragic, I know. But Sean is great, we somehow managed to stay friends all these years. Hence, I pay 22 Euros to hop to Ireland! About Su boy, my poor travel companion had to deal with the awkwardness of that, but whatever, Su is great too! Su is my friend via the internets, and somehow we still talk to each other fairly regularly, and play Team Fortress now and then, when I have a computer, heh. So, Su, was so lovely as to offer his mother's clinic for us to stay in. That worked out quite nicely. So I finally met him, and he's a real sweetheart, but don't tell him I said that, lol. His girlfriend, Sheila, is even sweeter. Aww, I totally love her.

Going to Cork was a really nice trip, because instead of Leslie (my roommate and adventure buddy), and me being in our own touristy world looking at things, we got to hang out with people and have an altogether different experience. It was grand, we had Rob cook us an Irish breakfast for dinner, saw Blarney Castle, even though poor Su was afraid of heights (what a trooper), we admired lovely fields, and learned how to play poker (I owned at that one, haha).

After Su left for Italy (the bitch), we explored Cork, which is actually a nice city. It's not that big, small enough for us to walk around in circles for the afternoon. I met up with Sean the evening before we were leaving for Dublin again, and that was great. It was really great to see him again. He had me under the impression that he was a completely different person, but although people change and grow older, I think we really stay who we are all our lives. Unless we forget, but why would you want to do that? So yeah, priceless moment aside, it was a good night being escorted around by two hot guys, lol, who were such first class gentleman that they bought us drinks. How could you go wrong? I don't know what else to say about that one...hehe. ^_^ So, anyway, as that tryst came to an end, a very brilliant and funny end, we set sail for Dublin the next day.

Dublin was a fun time, it's bigger and busier there, a little bit crazy. It was definitely interesting, though, just to see how different it was in Ireland compared to Germany. But I liked it. Our experiences in Dublin were again, a lot of walking around. We managed to get locked up and lost in Trinity College, made fun of for being Americans at a comedy club, a real gem of entertainment though, bought souvenirs (finally!) and dottled around at the sights. I started to get sick then, probably Su's slimey fault, so I was waning towards the end of it. But it was definitely a fun five days. Absolutely worth it.

London

So then there was London, literally days after we got back from Ireland. Magically Steve reunited with us again, he's so crafty, that one. Another 22 Euro flight. Amen to Ryanair! We were in London for just the weekend, only hanging out with Steve on Saturday. It was great, although I've been to London before, I definitely saw different things this time around. London is the city of donation museums, which equals free, as it damn well should be, considering the horrendous exchange rate of the pound. We ended up going to the British Museum, which was class, I just freaking love mummies and ancient shit. They really have a nice collection of stuff in there, the damn British are just robbing the world of ancient relics. It was a real adventure just trying to get around on the tube and such, trying to see all the sites. We wore ourselves out with all the eye to foot stimulation.

The next day after Steve departed, Leslie and I really capitalized on the London scene. We went to the Tate Modern, which is such an awesome museum. They have a great collection of modern art. They have a set of Rothkos there, and oh my it was the first time I had seen a Rothko that had actually moved me. It actually gave me this strange, scary feeling in my stomach. The room was dimly lit and all there was these paintings of color washes in reds and blacks. I know, it's hard to believe that a color-field painter could do this to you, but holy shit, that is art. Tate had a lot of gems, is all I can say. So after that artistic venue, we tried to see a Shakespeare play at the Globe Theatre, but we were just a little too late. So then we went all out and took a cruise on the Thames, which was lovely. The rest of the time was spent bumming around the city, riding up and down on double decker buses until it was time to go to the airport. We decided to rough it as bed-less bums because our flight was so early. When we got to the Stansted airport, you would never believe how many people were sleeping there. There were so many freaking people sleeping next to all the counters, in the corners, on the seats, just everywhere. It was scary. I tried to catched some Z's in sitting position, it worked out okay. So then we left England, only to come back to an afternoon with old Rotary guys in Potsdam. Potsdam is a beauty, just on the outskirts of Berlin. Lovely place. By that time we were fuck all tired, and the sleep just hit us head on as we drove back to Dessau.

Prague

And then there was Praha. The gorgeous nipple of the Czech Republic. The train ride over was quite beautiful, quiet little towns sandwiched between miniature mountains all along a river that winded all the way from Dresden to Prague. We had stayed a night in Dresden with Steffi, one of my favorite Germans, and her boyfriend and fellow World of Warcraft enthusiast, Uwe. The two of them were incredibly cute, and so, so nice. Being back in Dresden was also very excellent. They saw us off at the train station, Steffi worried about us, as always.

Prague was altogether another dimension of adventure. We had intended to meet up with our American friends from Dessau, however, that was a funny little fiasco. Suffice to say, we didn't meet up with them until we were ready to get on the train back at the end of the trip. The "where the fuck are the Atlanta kids?" question loomed over our enlightened heads for the duration of our trip like a mild plague, but it was okay. We enjoyed Prague all the same. Prague was graceful, from each misshapen cobblestone to the silly skeletal driven clock chimes to sexy go go girls, Alfons Mucha's mustache and the roaming ghost of Franz Kafka that tickled my imagination as I walked down each alley. Prague was grace, with a little bit of dirt and grime on its chin and cheek, but nonetheless grace. We managed to get down and dirty for the Euro Cup finals in Old Town Square, only to witness Deutschland lose, a real tragedy. Somehow I was glad I was in Prague and not back in Dessau watching all my German friends cry, haha. We had also made friends with our hostel roommate, and had a small taste of the city's nightlife in a crazy cavernous bar. It was all good, glorious sunsets and gloriously tasty fried cheese sandwiches. Prague had it all, all that you never dare to expect.

The train ride back was confusing, albeit strangely delightful. The city must have been ringing in my ears still.

Fuck, that's a lot of memoiring.

Indeed, verbosity is what I do best. So that's where the journeys ended, for the time being. I still have a great and surely epic one coming in the next week, after the weight of this upcoming presentation is over. These past weeks in Dessau were also very enjoyable. I had my birthday last week, big 21, w00t, in Deutschland, double w00t. It was great, the adorable German girlies surprised me at the Wohnheim with a cute little cake and loads of balloons. It was fantastic. Leslie got me this nice square sketchbook, which I am eagerly filling the pages of, and enough candy to give me a toothache. She is so close to me and Steve's level of awesome. So close. Haha. We set a high bar.

So yeah, now is the time for procrastination, living it up, and awesome. I just hope I can eventually slap off the perpetual smirk that has become a permanent fixture on my face. Life is suuupah!

It's so easy to get caught up in the...TEZUKA ZOOOOONE!

Aged Cheddar Is Still Delicious

2008-07-07T13:47:24Z

We used to be so cheese, what happened?!?!

What happened.

I Forgot My Pen

2008-07-02T13:01:43Z

By the end of this, I will be MASTER OF ADOBE FUCKING FLASH in 3 different languages! English, German, and of course, the newly installed edition in Español now on my crap mac. Which I am now trying to finish my project with. I AM JUST TOO GOOD FOR THIS SHIT!

Too good.

Kill me now, there's no expectation.

I Was So Sure I Surrendered The Details

2008-06-01T21:33:34Z

So the thoughts just pour out of my head like technicolor rainbow waterfalls.

How's that for being similicious? Pretty. Fucking. Trippy. YEAH.

Well then, now to the multifaceted reality. My mind has too much time. Too much time. It's like my imagination is naked in an endless paradise, running around free and uninhibited. It's brilliant. This must be what a philosopher's life is like. Sitting around with one eyebrow raised, staring off into the peripheral abyss. Oh, what mentally soothing bliss. You really don't want to know the details, but its nice. It's nice to not be so stressed and worried that the world is going to collapse because of your poor performance in college. It's nice to let your mind just be free. As Morpheus would have it.

I have been here for two months now. It's kind of crazy. It doesn't feel like a long time at all. I can't believe that I am halfway through this experience. Feels like I'm just skimming the adventure. Oh well, don't get me wrong, I do miss everyone, friends, family, boyfriend. Very much. But I could get used to this. Definitely.

So June rolls in, with freakish insects galore and a mild heat to keep me just gross enough for the mornings. Germany can be quite charming, especially when you aren't looking for the charm. It's so quaint and quiet in this small town, passing by the Bauhaus nearly every day seems like an odd afterthought nowadays. I should really be getting out more, which I will soon, but I wouldn't be myself if I didn't spend some time being a loser. And I am not ashamed.

Hope everyone is doing fine now that school is out and summer has come back into our lives once again. Enjoy it, because it's pretty much the last one we got. Before the real world bites us in the ass. Unless you are younger than me, or less fortunate, in which case you should embrace youth with a firm breasty hug. Mmmmhmm.

I would love to stay here, and never have to go...and no one in the world would ever know.

Cyndor, Goddess of the Intarwebs

2008-05-09T14:03:42Z

The Serious Introduction:

I'm so inspired, I burn holes in all the words that rest on my fingertips.

I feel like I should have two dictionaries worth of words for my time spent in the lovely country of Deutschland, but alas, very few surface on my brain when I try to recount it. Is it so bad that I'm so pressed to articulate my experiences? Where the fuck are the words? I can't think in anything but simple, boring sentences.

Germany is pretty awesome.
I like it over here.
It's a lot of fun.
Berlin's a great place.
My friends are so cute.
I go grocery shopping a lot.
I have sausage for dinner too often.
Germans are crazy.
I just feel so lost all the time...but I love it.

I should have more to offer. I'm wandering around in a country so rich in history that is sometimes so haunting, and I have nothing to say. I wonder if I just imagine that I am thinking the whole time, when I really am not. But maybe...

I pass by buildings, zipping past them on my bicycle everyday, wondering what they looked like 60 years ago. Wondering if what I see used to be a pile of rubble. I wonder.

It's a strange feeling, where all the voices around you, are clearly heard, but seldomly understood. My brain goes mush, as I struggle to understand. As my beloved English slowly deteriorates before my eyes. It's okay, it's still in my head.

The More Specific, Yet Less Profound Reflections:

So on a lighter, more jovial note: I AM THE INTERNETS!

I promised I'd write again when the internet was a more steady and reliable part of my life, and alas! It is! Finally! I have it in my dorm room, however, I only have a 5 gig bandwidth limit. *sigh* Oh well, I've been spending my free time reading text files instead of watching videos. Good old fashioned internet textual porn! w00t. Bring back the glory days.

So...now that I'm in Germany, I feel like I have to explain St. Croix, U.S. Virgin Islands quite often. Auf Deutsch, it is US-Jungeninseln, and jesus, it's so hard to explain! Times like these, more than ever, I wish I was from somewhere other than STX. Make life simpler!

Because I want to make this entry even more boring, I'll go on about some petty, trivial items. It feels like I rarely have alone time, because I'm always doing shit, all day long. And I don't even have class that often. I am taking one main class that meets twice a week for 3 hours a session, then another elective class that meets for 3ish hours. It's like 3 hours, 3 days of the week. The rest is bullshit thinking time. Omg I love the education system here. Go design. Go teh Bauhaus. Go Deutschland.

I haven't done a ton of travelling yet, which I won't gripe about on here, meh, but I guess it is saving me money. I have been to Berlin, and Leipzig, two excellent cities. Quite fun, can't wait to explore them more in the future. Dessau is lovely and green, albeit quiet and loaded with old people who like to ring the bell on their bikes at you when you are in the wrong sidewalk lane. It's nice, especially when you can spend time with friends from school and such. Friends who are all so cute, they make me go ^_^ all the time.

The Usual Useless Afterthoughts:

Going outside of the great country of Deutschland...

Trent Reznor has done it again with The Slip. Gawd, I love that man. Go fucking download it if you haven't already. It's FREE! You hear me? FREE. Fuck that shit up, get it rolling on repeat NOW, JETZT, PRONTO! Stroke Reznor's ego at no one's expense!

I started writing stories again. Wee. Not like anyone thought I did ever, anyway, haha. No poetry though. It isn't coming out. I need to bring my little notebook with me more often.

Also...I watch too much anime now. It's the only thing I can direct download, TV shows and movies need to be torrented, and the external HD I brought with me is like "fuck your POS mac." I totally ripped through all Prince of Tennis episodes, like an obsessed 12 year old fangirl, and now I'm working on Full Metal Panic. Suggestions for other anime that I can easily get on the web without a torrent? I will probably zip through FMP very soon. I also finished the last few episodes of Gundam 00. Holy shit, episode 24 seriously made a river of tears stream down my face. Omg, it was traumatic! So good! I know I'm a dork and I like Gundam, but seriously, 00 is good. Emolicious and good.

Ok, enough blabbling. I should consider putting subheading in my entries so people can choose what they read about.

Soo...ending question, when are people going to visit me while I'm over on this hemisphere? Ahem, I'm waiting.

I need your discipline.

I AM DEUTSCHLAND

2008-03-30T20:36:51Z

I AM DEUTSCHLAND, BABY!

So yes, I have internets. But only for a limited amount of time. Will post adventures when the intarwebs become a steady thing.

Bis bald, muthafuckas.

I've Asked Fidel Castro To Be My Roomie

2008-02-25T12:42:46Z

EDIT: Oh crazy. I got an AIM bot "FavoredSalmon" messaging me after I posted this entry. Weird, happen to anyone else? Wonder how that shit works. Wee.

Where's the fucking light at the end of the tunnel?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??!??!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

I have a problem. I'm not stressed out. I just skipped that part and went straight to depression. Grand. I have never wanted to/actually given up so much in my entire life. I wish I was a jew so suicide wasn't such a relevant option.

Don't worry. I won't do it. That's just the cough syrup and caffeine pills and energy drinks talking. And whatever else I've been shoving. I need some prozac or something. That'd round off the list nicely.

Another thing. Why does finals week require me to choose between sleep and doing work? Why is sleep the fucking bad, unacceptable, no way option? Why did I sleep for this past week?!?! I'm an idiot!

Why do our parents get our grades in the mail? I wouldn't care about failing if it wasn't for my parents! Why why why...

Daffy Duck has been eyeing me for the past 10 hours. He looks disgustingly happy. Bastard. I'm going to drown him in pink lemonade.

Whyee? School? Whyee????

I have not seen any of my friends for several weeks now. :( I was really sick last week, though. Mad fever. Then I had this whooping cough bullshit a few days ago. Hence the downing of cough medicine. Seriously, perfect timing. This is why I don't believe in god. Well not really, but it doesn't help.

Prince of Tennis is a great anime. I don't care how gay it is. I AM BURRRNING!!!! YEAH!

I'm going to donate my hair soon. Been planning it for a while, but...if you've gotten this far...I have a question. Dreadlocks? Like...it's not too late. Dreadlocks? Me? ? Last week, while I was deathly ill...I neglected to brush my hair for seriously like a week. No shit. It was like a crazy tangly nightmare. You don't understand. I have a lot of hair. I somehow concealed it in puffy pony tails when I went to class tho. It took me like almost 2 hours to brush all the knots out when I finally decided to tackle it. So dreadlocks? There's still time! Vote or die!

Nothing I say matters. Go check facebook, it's probably got something more interesting for you to do.

I'm writing my Italian Renaissance Prose paper on Fidel Castro...yeh I know, that makes no sense. Fuck it...Commie Powah!

If I die in the next...day or so...don't let them give me a funeral in WoW (yeh, they do that). You bitches gotta show up for realz. Don't let my brother have my iPod. I already gave him my last one, not my fault he broke it. Everything else is free for all lewt. My dignity included!

CHHHHYEAH!!

That was pointless.

Because Happiness Should Shoot Out Your Eyes In Technicolor Rainbows

2008-01-21T22:07:47Z

I finally got my iPod fixed, and the world just exploded. It was fantastic, music justs transforms my already overly vibrant imagination into something amazing. It was like...Spongebob was walking next to me on the quarter mile, in astounding technicolor, with a single rainbow sprouting from his hands, a toothy grin on his face.

IMAGINATION. XD

And that shit, is what makes life worth living.

So I haven't posted in a while, yeeeah... Nothing really significant has happened to me. Louisiana over Thanksgiving was interesting. I was held hostage by my great aunt in the boonies, my uncles came to rescue me. I spent only one day with Amanda, the majority of it was spent COMPLETELY WASTED, or the Cyndy-version of that term, lol. I threw up a chalupa and wanted another one, broke her shower curtain, but the good times were had. I feel like I'm in 4th grade talking about her, but she can fucking act so well now! I'm so proud, her acting skills have grown so much since high school. I sat in on a 3 person rehearsal when I was visiting, and those girls actually made me tear up. It was incredible, I have much respect for the art of the theatre!

Christmas was a joyous time. I did get to see a few people, although I felt bad not going out and seeing them again. Going hiking was so sweet, even though I'm shitty at hiking. I think Annaly Bay is the most beautiful part of St. Croix. I can't even describe how beautiful the tide sounds over there, the beach has these large smooth stones and when the tide sinks through them the sound...! It's beautiful, and loud, like elegant popcorn or something. Plus the tide pools themselves are amazing. Anyway, I ended up spending a lot of time with my family, especially Scottie, which was actually really awesome. We played WoW together like big uber geeks and my parents yelled at us. We just had a lot of good moments, and I miss that little punk spawn of my own kin.

Normally I would say SCHOOL SUCKS MAJOR BALLS. And it does. But, I'm posting to LJ on a good day. I feel very at peace with myself and the world, and how I want to design it all...with like tractor beams of color spewing out my eyeballs! I'm actually, for the most part, caught up with week 6 (caught up for my standards, lol). My New Media classes are killing me in just the right amounts that I haven't contemplated suicide TOO often. I actually went to a presentation by the multimedia company firstborn today, and it calmed my new media qualms a bit. It made me excited about getting a real job in the field. I just have to finish school and get the MAD SKILLZ first, so I can work for cool companies. Ay, that's the rub! But, my other classes are quite interesting. Even German, despite my teacher having an ice cold German heart. Lol. I really enjoy German...and can't wait to fucking be in fucking Germany!

Woo! I'm totally sending every1 like uberloads of chocolate. If you don't want them, TOO BAD. I think I really need this time away from RIT to slap my head on, and to love, not loathe my future career. There are just too many days when the loathe part happens, and it makes me depressed. Hopefully TEH BAUHAUS will rape meaning and motivational epiphanies into me with its sleek lines! Hahaha.

I don't know what else to say. Life is good, I'm still dating the same boy, for like 2.4 years now. I still procrastinate. I still get raped by lesbian faeries. I'm still scared of growing the fuck up. I still love you guys. And I still write long ass livejournal entries. BOOYAH. That's what we do.

Mercy for the meek.

I Nightmare For The Crash

2007-11-01T09:44:02Z

Oh, LJ, once you pop the fun don't stop.

Well, it's no secret that I thrive on sleep-deprived marathons lasting for say, 30 hours long give or take. It's just part of the lifestyle. I just wish I didn't have to pop so many caffeine pills. I wish my hands didn't start shaking, and the frog would hop out of my throat. I wish I didn't feel like wanting to throw up. Kinda sucky there. But it's ok.

It's ok. Everything's fine! I conked out at 5 pm and didn't turn back. Sleep is so nice.

Anyway, while I was in my bizarre unrested state, I had some strange words flying through my head. Since I already had 50 word files of research on "Spiritual Healing" opened, I made one more to record my sick thoughts in psuedo-poem form while I was grinding the grindstone all night/morning long. Thought I might share what goes on during those troubling times. Plus, it's been a while since I gave my LJ buddies a reason to go WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?! GO GET HELP!!

Some serious, some stupid, some gay, and some just plain wrong. All separately independent snippets of weird. Enjoy!

I love the taste of
Pressed linens on my tongue
An infatuated pretense
Of better days.

What’s there better to do?
Than sit around with the farts spewing out
On your seventeen dollar worker’s chair
Smells like the end of me
Ending in particles.

Lemonade makes me squint in soliloquies
A tart at the lips
A tingle in the air
I want to die in an acid bath.

Golden yokes around the necks of slaves
And slaves
And slaves
We sleep, we die, we burn
We sail ships into the stars
Disintegrating into beautiful nebulas
Of our selves.

If I were a porn star
I’d dye my vagina purple
Bright purple
That way,
I wouldn’t be confused with a smurf.

Get the threads of thoughts out of my head
Get them out
Pull them out
Strangle them out
My mind will kill me
Just the way God meant to
The way he never had the balls to.

Moldy toast therapy
Sits there looking green
While your eyes rot from the eyelids in\
You’re staring too hard
At that penis in your ear

I wonder what it would feel like
If I doused my asshole in Tabasco sauce
I think I would burn
And drown in the proceeding milk bath
But it would still be better
Than this scholastic torture.

I hate strippers
Because they made my mother cry
For days
And days
And I didn’t know
Until I was sitting in my dirty bathtub
Crying too.

My imagination has its own soul
A forest of manifested memories
Stories I will never write the books on
Living there helps me sleep
Living there sees colors
Painting masterpieces with closed eyes
I wish love was a dream
And I was a blank book
Unopened.

I get eaten by the worms.

September Was Lonely

2007-10-30T19:35:19Z

Here's a quick entry before I run off to class.

School is gay.
Like really gay.
I dropped one of my classes.
I never thought I would be one of THOSE people.
But I am now.
It feels shitty.
I sleep too much.
I sleep at weird hours.
In my abnormal psychology class there was a group that did affective disorders like depression.
Depression.
People who are depressed sleep a lot.
Fuck, am I depressed?
I don't know.
School is just gay.
I'm probably depressed, but I don't care, lol.
Radiohead's new album is freaking sweet.
Like mega awesome.
I bought World of Warcraft last weekend.
I have not installed it yet, though.
I know, you were on the edge of your seat there.
I told myself I wouldn't play that game.
But deep down I always wanted to play.
Because I like shit like that.
But now I get to look at the box.
And wait til fucking school calms the fuck down.
I also bought Team Fortress 2.
That game is fun.
Too bad I suck at it.
Oh well.
I miss my family.
I made them pay $960 to see me over Christmas break.
I wish they didn't love me.
That way they wouldn't have to spend so much money.
I want the quarter to be over.
I want to sleep.
I want to play Puzzle Quest on my boyfriend's PSP til the world ends.
That game is fucking addictive.
I need to go to class.
I need to learn some German.
I love German.
Only class I think I'm going to get an A in.
I love you guys.

Peace, motherfuckers.

Summer Repents Itself Into An Empty Room

2007-08-21T04:32:48Z

I've squandered very possibly over a 1,000 words in this LiveJournal text box since I last posted. I never quite seem to complete an entry. It's either distraction, a feeling of textual inadequecy or import, or the inevitable unknown. So instead of trying to type away into an oblivion of incompleteness, I will try to ramble at the keys in short (hopefully, lol), succinct thoughts. Here we go.

Hallelujah, the summer is nearly over. While it was, at times, dangerously boring, it was still much better and less depressing than last summer. St. Croix and myself always had a love-hate relationship. For a while the love was buried REALLY deep down some place in the dungeon of my pitiful soul. But, somehow, I've found an odd balance, where the love and hate I have of this island I call home can ressurect emotions in peace. Praise jah.

Hurricane Dean was retarded. But at least I got a day off work. w00t.

The new Pumpkins album is quite good. I recommend it to fans that have yet to touch it. For me, the most enjoyable listening experience came from when I played the album with the rest of the albums, whether on random, or an all out Pumpkin-fest of every CD they ever released. It really fits nicely with their other albums, there are a lot of sounds that echo some of their past work, but in a fresh way. Adore is still my favorite album of theirs, I really don't know exactly why. I realized that the Smashing Pumpkins make me smile. Nearly every song, no matter when it comes on, makes the corners of my mouth turn. But I guess Adore makes me smile the most. Aww Billy, let me rub your shiny bald head.

Harry Potter was fucking awesome. I really thought that the world stopped when I finished reading the seventh book. I felt like I had no purpose for about a week. There were no more pages for me to devour, and every game I tried to play just left me staring at my screen blankly. Boy oh boy.

Charles Dickens always makes me laugh. What a fiend.

Additionally, I managed to make some new literary friends. D.H. Lawrence has become a soul I'm intrinsically obsessed with, my philosophical soul mate. I am determined to understand him over the course of what is left of my seemingly unfulfilling life. Indeed! I also have a growing fascination with magic realism, after reading The White Castle, a novel translated from Turkish by Orhan Pamuk. Really rich and delightful. I'm thinking of investing in some Kafka to start, any other suggestions are most gladly encouraged. =)

I got in my first car accident a couple weeks ago, boo. Not at all serious, just a dented someone else's car a bit. It really depressed me for a while, though. This is because I realized how incompetent I am at handling real life. Isn't that a completely depressing notion? At 20, I still do not want to grow up at all. Take me to Neverland Ranch, I would almost rather the clammy molestations of Michael Jackson than have to become a fully functional adult. That, in itself, is extremely depressing and disturbing to me. *sigh* What do I bother living for anymore?

Also, on the depressing note, I find myself on the verge of a crisis of creativity. Maybe its the four walls of my putrid spring green room that have caused my vision of the world to be dreadfully lackluster, but whatever it is, it is scaring me. Everyone with any creative inclination (which should be everyone, I believe) undergoes some kind of artist/writer's block. But I'm in some kind of suffocating, reinforced steel box with no air holes. It's frustrating. I'm not hopeless yet. But the idea of suppressed creativity frightens me. Even worse is the idea of evaporated creativity. I really, truly and honestly, believe, that if I can't create, I will surely die some terrible soul-death worse than any kind of death I could possible fabricate upon my $10 keyboard. Whether it be the ambition to create, or the ability, or the act, or anything. At this moment, I believe it. I'm surviving on my imagination at this point, but I need some ambition, some motivation. From the mind, projected from the eyes, onto the paper from the fingers. That is the life of those terribly tragic idle souls, those pitiful artists. When was love supposed to be what I lived for? Did those days pass? Submerge for a time? Never found as yet? Oh, what a pitiful state of mind, the entirety of it all.

My soul, you could say, is possibly too ambitious for its own good. Silly trifles for my poor mind to attempt to process. I find life in general consists of this sort of struggle in various forms. It's REALLY quite annoying.

School, RIT, is hopefully the cure to all my internal conflict that has been germinating over these past few months. Or at least a good distraction to all of it. I really think I would be a suicidal recluse and hermit if I were ever confined to a cave willingly or unwillingly. Almost comical, the thought. The lackadaisical existence perpetuated by this island is not doing me much good. I need some fucking inspiration. I need to see the vibrancy in all things again! Goddamit. I wish I had a different pair of eyes. And a different brain, while I'm at it.

My little brother has caused me a considerable amount of strife. I have been tutoring him all summer, and the whole situation is, for lack of a better word, fuxed. I don't know what to believe, but I just wish someone would understand him. Because try as I might, I can't, and no one else can either. Twelve hour sessions of 5th grade math can really make you want to tear your already fucked up eyes out.

I feel like everyone drifted away from me a little bit. Not unusual for me, but I did think about a lot of people, very often. Even if there wasn't much contact, I assure all of you, I was thinking of you. Yes, even you. A lot. What else was I supposed to do? =P

I have 2 poems in my mind, one in a .doc file. I want them to come out. Poems take me a really long time to write. Why is articulation so...blah!

I think I'm running out of steam, which, as I scroll up, readers who are so unfortunate to make it this far are probably rejoicing in their desk chairs. I hope my random snippets were interesting, and not suggestive of any form of insanity on my part. I hope everyone is peachy keen, and I look forward to seeing my lovely RIT friends, who will have to put up with my morose and dry self for the year, and I will miss my St. Croix buddies. Of whom some I have yet to see, and might have to resort to curly blonde haired violence if the opportunity to have pantie parties does not present itself. Here's to 9 days of sunset zephyrs.

You're like the wind, you're everywhere.

Writing Postmarked Letters To Humanity

2007-07-09T04:20:49Z

(Oh, I never posted this entry...>_<, I've gotten so bad at the internets!)

So Rupert Birkin (from Women In Love) says, "Humanity is a dead letter."

Is that so?

I love that line, I've been thinking about it for weeks. But yes, onto my point...

[I've decided to dice up my entry because sometimes my LJ entries morph into really bad term-paper like items, devoid of structure, logic, progression, untied ideas, etc. It actually took me a couple days to compose, because I'm just fluid like that. Lol. PROCEED WITH CAUTION !]

Fucking St. Croix. Why can't people drive here? Seriously?!

In the past week, no make that 3 days, there have been two car accidents on the street where I work. WTF?! I work in a dinky little retired doctor's office in Fredricksted. Ok, the office is dinky and little, not the doctor, he is only retired. Well, I guess he could be considered dinky and little, too, lol. But he's way too nice for me to say that about him. It's right off King's Street, anyway. In front of the little Arab convenience store.

So Thursday, I'm just sitting around daydreaming like I usually do in my corner by the file cabinets. The girl I work with is at the desk playing solitaire on the computer. Then, BOOM, we hear a loud ass noise from outside. So we look outside, and it looked like some lady drove her car into the telephone pole in front of the Arab store. (Wow, 'Arab store' looks bad when I write it, but sounds natural when I say it...lol...weird.). Merari and I are just puzzled as to wtf happened, and why it was so loud sounding from down the street. Then I'm like shit, my school bus (aka. my bright yellow Ford Escape) is parked right near where the accident happened. So I check to see if she nicked it, and all was good. No one was hurt. But when I walk to my car, on the street perpendicular, some white van looked like it backed up into a parked car. WTF. WTF HAPPENED?! I just couldn't figure it out. Lol. Luckily no one was hurt, and no car totaled, just some fairly decent denting action. However, my school bus was sandwiched between two accidents, so between the police cars and ambulance, it was fun trying to back out of there when I had to go home. Fuckin' A.

On Friday I learn that I almost got a parking ticket, but they couldn't find me. Lolz. I actually think some douche bag pointed me out from his car when I went to check on mine, but I didn't know what the fuck was going on so I walked away. Now I know not to park on the yellow line. Whoopee.

And finally Saturday morning. I actually happened to be reading a passage about death from Women In Love by D.H. Lawrence when yet another BOOM resounded in our office. Later, I found it extremely ominous and foreboding, and took me about an hour of idle boredom before I had the courage to pick up the book again. At the boom, Merari and I looked at each other without speaking, our faces both clearly saying, "Another one?" Yes, another one. It was from the other end of the road, a little closer than Thursday's, right at the intersection. We had more patients this morning, and everyone flocked outside of the office, with looks of stimulated curiosity. Now that I think of it, it was pretty disgusting. I remember one lady saying, "An accident?" in her thick Cruzan accent. She had such a disturbing undertone of excitement in her voice. It was almost as if the mundane air of life on St. Croix had been momentarily lifted, waking the patients from their sleepy existence. But we all know how people are when it comes to accidents.

I stepped outside after some hesitation because the doctor was still inside with a patient. He often rings us if he needs something. But I walked out, tentatively, peering through the crowd of bodies from a distance. There was some white SUV thing, but behind it I saw black motorcycle lying on its side. I said, "Oh, shit," under my breath and stopped walking. Shortly after I went back into the office.

Seeing other people in pain does not satisfy any sick or 'natural' curiosity of mine. While I don't mind blood all that much, and pretty tank when it comes to gory movies, that's different. Mortality, the brevity of life, the chance and abruptness of it all, that's what really cooped up in the back of our souls, whether we like to admit to our own fear of it or not. As a human, I simply wish to understand the pain of others and my own. Also, as a human, I simply wish for the best, that the suffering will be minimal, bearable. I just really feel sick seeing other people in real, genuine pain, because their pain or grief is my own, is humanity's.

Also, in addition to various car accidents, I attended wake services on Sunday and Monday for a Filipino who died recently of a heart attack, Tito Joe. He really was a very nice man, always made me smile. I liked him better than a lot of the Filipinos I've had to "get together" thing with over the years. I'm pretty sure if heaven's where he wants to go, he'll get there.

The thing with Filipinos is they really go all out when someone dies. They pray together every evening for 9 days, and everyone brings food and you eat afterwards and go home.   Then they have a viewing and mass before the body is shipped off to the Philippines. I went with my mom, even though I really didn't want to because I have an odd relationship with prayer. Unfortunately I have been a godless heathen for several years now (since I was maybe 14 or 15), so I only look like I'm praying when I'm supposed to, even though I was raised a Catholic, confirmed and all. I thought it was pretty hilarious when I asked my mom how long it would be, and she said, "Don't worry it's only the rosary and a couple songs." BULLSHIT, praying the rosary is like 50 Hail Mary's, and it was more than a couple songs, not to mention some songs in Tagalog. Not to mention I hate singing in public. But that's just me being funny. I know why I was there, it wasn't for me. I did it to pay respect. Although I find praying to be personally empty and routine, the words mean something to someone, to all those grieving Filipinos. So I just did it. And while the words came out of my mouth mechanically, my brain had time to realize why we were all there in the first place.

Is it just that time of year that death and its cousins just run rampant across Earth's miserable fields?   Not just at home, but my Tata (TAH-tay, or grandfather, actually my step grandfather) died last month in the Philippines. My mom ordered them like so much beef because Filipinos like to have lots of food, again. Also Tito Lito died a few days ago. Seriously, our whole existence seems so strangely ephemeral to me at this moment. It's so...weird.

So my train of thoughts now diverge momentarily, in "conclusion," or something like that...

The world is a fucked up place, really. But I really can't feel for the entirety of the human race, because I would probably die of severe depression and emotional overload. So we can either pass it on to God, or as I like to do, believe in humans. We will create whatever happens to us, no explanation, no one to blame. We can just look at ourselves as we slowly all turn to dust. Very romantic, I know.

Amen.

Taking A Mace To The Head Of Bildungsroman

2007-06-26T05:57:53Z

I guess I do know some German afterall. w00t.

I suppose you could say I got a little bit bored. The Sims kept crashing on me, probably because of the entire gig of custom content I'm feeding it...lol. In any case I decided I needed a break from it. Also, since my brother now sleeps in my room, I have to turn my monitor 90 degrees so he won't watch me play games instead of sleeping when he's supposed to. It gets pretty uncomfortable after a while. Just when I think its okay to turn it back, I hear the sound of cheese nips being devoured from the upper bunk. Jesus Christ, I want my goddamn room back.

So I decided to write some poetries. I usually write little quips here and there on napkins or on my computer, but I haven't sat down to finish one in a little while. I wanted to try something a little new, and unconventional. Which is my excuse for the awkward grammar and use of the words. It's sort of the way it sprang forth from my fingers, with little editing.

Being home makes me quasi-nostalgic. I like to think some of my memories are interesting, or could be interesting, with the right manipulation. Ah, life is fun, but the fantasy world in my head is so much better!

Apparently my notion of nostalgia involves killing children. Sometimes you just don't question the muse. Enjoy.

When We Were Dead Children

The face of the golden youth
Spills into my hands
Where he’s red, red around the nostrils
Flush behind the freckles
The hazel dreams, darker

When we were children...

I used to watch his face glow
Quickly aging
Wrinkling, wrinkling around the corners
Of the eyes, bright
Because he smiled, laughed, too often

When we were children...

Perched in the trees
Taller than our double-wide trailers
The empty, empty one
Hot, thick, in summer afternoon sandals
I was getting the mail, passing golden youths

When we were children...

I buried names in the sand
Puppet tears in the salty air
A bright red kayak upside-down
Like him, clear and deep waters
Hush, hushed, the skinny legs silenced

When we were children...

He withered, frostbitten
Sick and scholarly grey hairs
Never kissing in the rain
Because of the sneakers with white, white socks
My toes are wet, like the asphalt

He withered, dulled youth
Perfect teeth, shoulders of command
A golden face spilled between my fingers
Plastic cups of leftover semen
My nails run down a tampered windowsill

He withered, finally
A golden youth behind the empty, empty house
In the dirt, smeared across the face
My fingers tremble at the ends of golden hairs
The ones on the arms, prickle, burn
Dead veins to cold, clammy fingers, long
Softly poisoned breaths, my neck
Dead words sift the air
Evaporating our youth through a rusty telescope
And I watch his golden face slip, decay

When we were children...
No longer.

Yup. Now what the fuck am I supposed to do? Haha. Why is this summer so...monumentally gay?

I can taste your lipstick on the filter.

Prophet Cyndy's Paragraphs Of Mystic Revelations

2007-06-22T16:27:17Z

I have seen many white lights of wisdom of late...

I have decided that Buddhism would probably be the best religion to convert to, if I ever decided to do religion. I shared this with Amanda Pants, and she elated instantly. Apparently, her truthful vision of the new world is a world where everyone was Buddhist, TOO! OMG, our minds are one!

I have decided that the history channel has always been and always will be awesome. I watched it all morning, getting all teh knowlege. This reminds me of the time I switched schools in 4th grade (from Good Hope to CDS). Reiki Bell asked me what channels I liked to watch on TV. I was at a new school and no one knew me. I told him the Discovery Channel and TLC. They were all freaking out saying those channels were boring, and I'm like no, they are cool. They asked if I watched Nickelodeon and stuff, and I lied and said no. My decision to embark on the quest to nerdom, has apparently been embarked upon since my childhood.

I have also decided that I want to write like D.H. Lawrence. The man is a genius. The way his words melt on the page as I read them, make me drool. The world is indeed a terribly destructive revolving mass. But I still believe in humanity. Even though the world probably would be better if humans just evaporated. Or maybe not?

I also, without any decision, declare that Lara Croft has a great ass. I love staring at it for countless hours on end killing cat mummies with pistols that have an unlimited supply of ammunition. I don't care what anyone else says, I admit I am playing the new Tomb Raider: Anniversary game. And it r0x. It's the original with sweeter asstastic graphics. How could you go wrong?!

Taking too much air.

This Title Should Be In German But I Don't Know Any

2007-06-15T04:16:16Z

I AM GOING TO GERMANY NEXT SPRING!!!!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYZ!!!!!!

YAYAYAYAY!

YAY!

LIKE OMG YAY!

I actually jumped for joy when I read my e-mail. I was so sure it was going to start with a "We're sorry, you suck..." I am teh happy.

Oh yeh, I should probably explain myself. I just got into a study abroad thing for Spring Quarter of next year, this design school in Dessau, Germany, which is nearby Berlin. I hope everything works out problem free (money, crap, situations, relationships, etc.), but you never know. I'm just excited for the opportunity. It's a long way's a way anyway.

Yays.

There Isn't Enough Room In The World For Jesus And Your Penis

2007-06-05T19:24:42Z

(Wtf? Oh, it makes sense! Dirty j00 love! Where do I get my brilliance from, seriously.)

(Oh, I wrote this on Friday but my damn internet sucks cockenballs. But livejournal saved it, how nice.)

Two stones in the ocean,
The whole world hears our ripples...

Hello, kids...what's shakin?

Listen here, to the unimportant I have to say. It could save your cheese! Haha. You can't force the vampire out of me, goddamnit! I fell asleep during Pan's Labyrinth at like 9pm and now I kiss the sunrise...melting. I hate my parents. Not really, but they're bitching ALREADY about my bio-clock...not a good sign.

You know, life is okay, but school is pissing me off. Still. Like, all my grades ended up being total bullshit. It's just SO...FRUSTRATING...AHHHHGHGHHHH! I should have failed, I should have gotten A's where I didn't...*ugh*. It's just so fucked up! Fuck all my teachers who can't add! >_< Yes, for some reason, I do care about my GPA...weird?

St. Croix, oh St. Croix. You've actually been pretty nice to me so far. You've left me alone to my fairly tricked out room. My gamez-and-South-Park filled computer I am now upon, where to my left a TV with satellite and Xbox is connected. As well as a full size comfy bed that takes up my entire room. I should just lock myself in here for the rest of the summer! If you don't call me...I probably will. O_O

But yeh, weirdly enough I went to a LAN party at Jer's house yesterday which was fun. I feel so dirty! It was six hours of AvP2 with the kids, getting pwned in my station behind his bed, my assault rifle blazing in doggy style position. My knees hurt. I'm fucking glad we didn't play America's Army for more than 5 min, because I haven't played that in 3 years and it brings back bad memories of extreme pwnage. They may say I suck, but the truth is, I just hate them all. Mwhahaha. Vaginas in your face, motherfuckers!

So yeah, I'm just a big dork with a big heart and a small life! w00t. I've got one week down so far. Miss my lover like...well more than anything else. It sucks, but I have my dreams...

I eat sushi for breakfast.

Ripping The Final Bandaid Off With A Bang

2007-05-20T23:29:01Z

OH. MY. GOD. I don't think I've announced so many suicide pleas in all my life since I have these past few weeks. I'll probably get my wish with all the energy drinks + caffeine pills + massive amounts of takeout food I've been consuming.

These last few weeks of spring quarter of my sophomore year at RIT have been the most stressful to date. The term 'art major' has no meaning anymore. Fucking New Media is eating my soul alive from the inside out. Just hours upon hours upon hours of working on projects, with things going wrong left and right. I just don't think I get it yet. I don't understand that this shit takes a long ass time. I'm not giving myself enough time! AHHHHHHHHHHH. Design just doesn't come out of your ass. How could I forget that?

So basically I've been hating myself this whole time. I want to be great at what I do. Not just ok, not just good. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough? I don't know, but it PISSES ME OFF. Lol. But I think most people are in the same boat, so we can be writhe in pain together, ne?

WHY DIDN'T I JUST BECOME A STARVING PAINTER?!?!

Haha. In another life...yes. But yeh, I just wanted to whine about finals. I'll be done on Wednesday at 12:15. And if God permits it I'll be happy then, but only if whatever I churn out before then is good enough for my standards. I have a feeling it won't be. Which makes me depressed. Oh I am so depressed, lol. KILL ME.

I have completed my Web final on Friday night, w00t. Was ultimately most happy when that happened. A good 20 hours of work. CSS for teh win!

I also finished art history shit. Although, I DID sleep through our last test. Which made me severely depressed (I cried). But luckily she is only taking 2 of 3 of our grades. Still sucks though. I did 2 extra credit papers. Wee.

Now what's left for the next 3 days:

Monday I have: Final draft of my short story for my prose fiction class which will be in Signatures' new online site. I will post that when I'm done. I think it's pretty good. It's about a woman with attachment disorder who has been running away from her past for the last 10 years of her life, traveling all over the world. The story takes place on St. Croix - haha. They say write what you know. =P

Tuesday: The bane of my existence: GUI. I am so fucked on that, I don't even want to talk about it. Plus we have to present it. Plus it's for an actual client who might use it on their site, but they won't use ours because it sucks. >_< AH! (The real reason why I'm so stressed to beyond the limit of sanity).

Wednesday: 4 hour fucking 3-D critique. I'm fucked on this too, but at least I only have to rely on myself, no group shit. It's like being fucked in the X, Y AND Z directions. GODDAMNIT. I need to model a penis for the pain in my soul to suck on.

Then I'm done! Then I pack! Then I move out! Then I hop on a plane! Then I come to STX on Saturday! Then I won't miss my puppy Max anymore (mmm puppy)! Then I'll hate my little brother again! Then I'll miss my lover! Then I'll hate STX again! WOOOOOOOOOOO YAY! I live for the day it's all over!

Screw you guys, I'm a-goin' home.

My Shattered Head Sprouts A Bloated Ego

2007-05-10T08:33:50Z

Hear ye, hear ye! Let's go partay!

So here's the deal, I believe I'm being published in Signatures magazine which is RIT's art and literary magazine, they select poems, photography, artworks from students and schtick 'em in a pretty little booklet. I say I 'believe' because they told me I was on the short list, but never actually told me it made it, but I'm pretty sure it's in there. I guess it's a surprise, lol. I just don't want to be all full of myself and look retarded if it's not there! I posted the poem on here before called "The Tastefully Erotic Sonnet."

Anyway, there's a release party this Friday at the Radisson Hotel which is on the outskirts of campus, and doesn't seem too far of a walk. So my loving RIT friends should support me! *wink wink* If not that, come with me so you can say "Ok Cyndy, now that you've gotten the poetry gloatage out of your system you can stop posting your convolutions on LJ because I'm getting tired of reading them!" Hahaha. Plus it's free food, and I know from experience the English Department gets some good shit. If no party, but you want me to snag you a copy of the magazine, drop me a comment and I'll be glad to grab you one (they're free). ^_^

Also, if you're in JESUS (GCCIS, Golisano, Bldg 70, whatever you like to call it) on Friday, they're tricking the atrium out for some Creativity Symposium. It's all day, free lunch at 12:30. I think that's when I might go...lol. What's important is my poem is one of seven chosen to be blown up. Yay. So look out for me!

Well, enough of me gloating about how awesome I apparently am, lol. But seriously, I'm happy and very honored, wasn't expecting any of this crap, so it's just cool. I'm actually embarrassed because my poem is kind of...well, erotic, but all you people from home know that's how I roll. PANTIES! Hell yeeeah. Go smut.

Also, side note...I drew some Harry Potter fan art on accident. OMFG! I thought it was weird because I usually don't draw fan-arty things. Can't wait for the book + movie to come out. *squeals like fan girl*

I abhor 3D but I finally get polygon modeling...now that's it's week 9. >_< I suck. I suck at school, I think I'm going to do shitty this quarter. I got's a feeeeeeling. Oh well.

Is it true a moth dies flying into the light?

Jimmy Gnecco Let Me Rub Your Belly Of Anorexia

2007-05-07T21:23:31Z

Yes, Jimmy, I've been patiently waiting for you...and continue still...

New Ours Musics!! - 404 Album Release Date Not Found.

I've been waiting for a good fucking while for what they've been recording over god forgets how long. I forgot about it for a few months, after casually checking the updates on killtheband.com, but alas. They have a myspace music page with new tracks! GIVE ME SOMETHING FOR MY WINAMP PLAYER, BITCHES! I WANT! I love what I hear, and I'm excited for the release (entitled "Dancing For The Death Of An Imaginary Enemy" how sweet is that?)...whenever that may be...hopefully over the summer, *crosses fingers* yup.

If you like Jeff Buckley, I'd recommend checking Ours out if you don't know them already. They had some decent air play in 2001 with "Sometimes" (video), you might remember...because I do. Jimmy's got a great voice, he kind of reminds me of a creepy vampire man which is beautiful in the same way that Jeffley Buck's voice is heavenly. Last.fm lists Jeff Buckley, Radiohead, Teh Pumpkins, Muse, Pete Yorn...etc. as similar artists, go figure. So yes, I PLUG, I PLUG!!

We sleep...we die...just waiting for a sign.